Upon the Streets of Gold

I think this is my first blog post that doesn’t have anything to do with photography…but maybe it’ll help with my emotions today. I’m moving into another house after living in this one for the past 3 years. Not only that, it’s belonged to my sister since 2003. A lot of memories here. I think that not only is it hard to move all of your things, your routines, your life…but just digging through old belongings are tough. I put together a bin of all my newborn’s keepsakes (from both of my kids) and that started me teary eyed. But then I found a journal and that did it for me. I lost my dad 5 1/2 years ago and it was really sudden. 5 months after that, I got pregnant with my first born. The journal I found was the journey through my pregnancy and grieving over my loss. It was bittersweet for me. I was bringing in a new life, yet had lost the life I had known for 19 years. Wouldn’t you know it, my little girl has the brightest blue eyes that look just like my dad’s. What makes that so strange is that I have brown eyes and my husband has green. Reading through the journal, I found  a poem I wrote. I don’t admit to being an amazing poet (although, heck, you should read my mom’s poetry…sometime I will have to share – she is AMAZING!!!). But…a little back story on this poem…my dad liked to dance with me even though sometimes there was no music. One day I walked up the stairs and he was at the top of them and he smiled at me. I said, “Dance with me!” and without hesitation, he took me into his arms and made up a “dooo do do do doooo” song as we danced together. I can still hear it in my head as if he were still here next to me. I can still smell him…still hear his low-tone voice…still feel his rough cheek on mine and his fingers wrapped around my fingers that look exactly like his. Losing someone I love is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. A couple weeks after that dance, he passed away unexpectedly. While I was pregnant with Claire, I wrote this poem…

As I sit staring at a gray, smoky sky,
Memories fill inside me, deep into my mind.
Suddenly I’m taken from the room where I cry.
I’m brought back to that moment, just before he died.
I don’t know what told me to do what I did,
Through laughter I requested if I could dance with him.
“Dance with me,” was all I shouted;
Those were my only words.
The room was filled with silence,
His hums were all I heard.
He held my hands so tight in his, by no coincidence;
Because I had no idea right then,
That was our final dance.
Then I’m taken back into the room where I sit.
I must go on living, & take life bit by bit.
He was the one who taught me, that life is so beautiful.
But with Christ inside your heart, death is even more.
So that when I take my final breath, and step out of this world,
I again can dance with him, upon the streets of gold…